I don’t grieve well. I’ve had opportunities and reasons to grieve, but my models and experiences are to mostly view grief as an unwelcome and awkward intrusion into life.

Grief doesn’t fit. I don’t know how. I don’t have a place for it. And especially if my grief is nonspecific, I’m even more confused. And confusing.

Many cultures have rituals connected with grief and grieving. And we do, too, sort of. When someone dies, we give food and cards to the family. We may attend a memorial service.

Those are good, as far as they go, but something we don’t often provide others (or ourselves) is time.

It’s almost like we don’t want to get too close to grief, lest it get us dirty, so we keep it at a distance. One lady I knew told me she couldn’t cry when her husband died. It was like the grief part of her . . . and we all are made to do so . . . was plugged. She seemed stuck for years in her grief.

I’ve found the Psalms helpful, because they help me put words to my experience.

Give ear to my words, O LORD; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray . . .” Psalm 5:1-2

Why, O LORD, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? Psalm 10:1

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Psalm 13:1-2

These are called lament psalms, written to help the author (and us) grieve.

One of my favorites is Psalm 77, a psalm so real, so honest, so risky in expressing doubts about God and His goodness, that I recommend it often.

May I suggest that you give yourself some time to begin reading through the psalms. Read aloud. Don’t rush. When you find a statement that reflects your life now, stop there and let yourself marinate in that verse, that phrase, that word, that thought. Speak it as the prayer of your heart. Meditate on it. Keep coming back to bathe in it, if you sense God’s invitation to do so. Don’t stop soaking until you sense the Holy Spirit nudging you on. Read my “Identifying Grief” post from June 2024.

Give yourself permission to grieve. The writers of the Bible did . . . and do. Learn to grieve by grieving. If you need to talk to someone, don’t hesitate to reach out to a church near you.

Randy Jaspers
Northern Plains Regional Minister